My wife walked out on us - I could not help thinking that she had married me only for my money
March 22nd, 2009
Moses Chumbe: His wife, Julia, woke up one day and left their young son alone in her mother-in-law’s house.
“If men were brave enough to reveal what they go through at the hands of women, you would be surprised,” Moses Chumbe, a 29-year-old single father begins when we settle down for the interview.
It took Moses a lot of soul-searching before deciding to share his story, which speaks of betrayal, emotional blackmail and a love that never was.
His tribulations began in 2005 when he met Julia, a young woman with whom he got smitten at first sight while visiting relatives.
He was 25 at the time. Julia, who was 22, ran a cyber café in his home town, Butere. Keen on winning her love, Moses would regularly pass by her workplace and talk to her.
He did not hide the fact that he was attracted to her and even told her that he wanted to marry her. “She played hard to get, but I was persistent and eventually, she gave in and we started dating,” Moses recalls.
To understand his consuming interest in having a family of his own at such a young age, one would have to go back to his childhood. He is the fruit of teenage love; when his mother gave birth to him, she was only 17 while his father was 19.
“Both of them were still under the care of their parents and since they could not take care of me, my maternal grandparents took up the responsibility of raising me,” he narrates.
Soon after his second birthday, his mother left him in the care of her parents and moved from Butere to get married. She went on to have four children – three girls and one boy.
“My grandmother raised me single-handedly, making sure that I got an education and that all my needs were provided for. She was not just my grandmother, but also doubled up as my mother.”
Although he had a happy childhood, Moses sometimes wondered what it would be like to grow up in a normal family with a father, mother and siblings. So from a young age, he looked forward to the day he would have a family of his own.
Indeed, that was one of the reasons he worked hard in school, figuring that if he got a good job, he would be in a position to raise a happy family.
He performed well enough to join Butere Boys’ High School, after which he joined a city college where he attained a diploma in business administration. Shortly after completing his studies, he got a job with an aviation company in the city.
“Getting that job was a dream come true. My grandparents had sacrificed so much to see me through school and finally, I was in a position to take care of them,” he says.
When Julia came along and they started dating, everything fell into place – or so he thought. He wanted to do things “the right way” and therefore, wanted to meet her parents and other relatives before they settled down together.
However, throughout this period, Julia kept coming up with excuses as to why Chumbe could not meet her extended family. Assuming that she only wanted to get to know him better, he decided to take things slowly and allow her to do things at her own pace. During this period, she would regularly visit him in Nairobi, where he was working.
In January 2006, after a seven-month courtship, they started living together in his rented house in Pipeline, Industrial area.
“I was keen on settling down with her, and since it did not make sense for us to wait any longer if we were eventually going to get married, we moved in together. In fact, the time we had spent together had convinced me that she was the right woman for me,” Moses says.
Their life was comfortable, and the fact that Julia had no job was not a problem because Chumbe’s salary was enough for all their needs
He says that initially, Julia was the kind of wife every man would want; she was loving, had constructive ideas about how to improve their life and seemed happy with their marriage. To add to their happiness, Julia conceived the following year.
“I had never been so excited in my life. I was finally going to be a father. When I learnt that she was pregnant, I vowed to offer my child the best life possible, but above all, a stable family and the love of both parents,” he recalls.
By then, Moses had reunited with his mother, who had lost her husband in 2002 and was bringing up her four children alone. He had also formed a bond with his step-siblings, who looked up to him. Everything in his life was falling in place.
Julia seemed happy about the pregnancy, but as it progressed, it became clear that she needed help around the house.
To make her life more comfortable, Moses asked one of his step-sisters to move in with them temporarily to help with the housework and other chores. That is when the cracks started appearing in the seemingly happy relationship.
“She did not appreciate my sister’s help and would constantly complain about her and insist on doing the housework herself. In fact, she did not want her around and once threatened to commit suicide if I didn’t send her away. However, when I asked her what it was she did not like about my sister, she could not give me a reason.”
Moses contemplated sending his sister away and getting a house-help instead but shelved the idea because of the financial implications. “I knew that once our son was born, we would have additional expenses. I was also saving for the birth, but Julia did not seem to understand this,” he says.
She was also unhappy that he was helping his extended family, but this was one issue on which Chumbe was not willing to compromise. He could not desert his family, especially his grandparents, since they had sacrificed so much to help him get where he was.
This stressful situation persisted, amidst threats by Julia that she would leave him, until she gave birth to their son, Bruce, in April 2007. For a few weeks the arguments that had strained their relationship fizzled out as they both got caught up in the excitement of being new parents.
“My son was the best thing that could have happened in my life. I felt complete, everything in my life felt right,” the doting father recalls.
Unfortunately, this harmony would be short-lived for, just a month after the birth of their son, Moses lost his job. “That was the last thing I expected to happen. There were also so many other people depending on me – my grandparents, my mother and my siblings, whom I was helping educate. The news was just too much to bear.”
That day he went home a broken man, but instead of getting a shoulder to lean on, all he got was a cold reception from Julia when he broke the news.
“I expected support, but got none. From that point onwards, she became cold towards me and no longer respected me. I could not help thinking that she had married me only for my money, and this made me bitter,” he says.
Luckily, Chumbe had saved for a rainy day and for the first few months, their life did not change much. “I went job hunting every day and told everyone I knew that I was looking for a job but none was forth coming,” he offers.
Meanwhile, his savings were dwindling and he knew that it was only a matter of time before his family started suffering.
“I suggested that she and our son join my mother in Naivasha, where they would be well looked after until I got a job,” he recalls.
His suggestion incensed Julia, who reluctantly agreed to move to Naivasha, where his mother gladly received them. Still, he did not have peace of mind because she regularly threatened to desert him if he did not come for them.
“I wanted my family with me, but if I took them back before getting a job, they would only suffer,” he explains.
The threat came to pass in November 2008 when Julia simply woke up one day and left their young son alone in her mother-in-law’s house. “My mother had left for work early in the morning and when she came back in the evening, she found Bruce alone,” Moses says.
Then came the stunning news – she had taken off with one of the neighbours, a young man she had been overly friendly with, according to his mother.
“At that time, I didn’t know what hurt me more, the fact that she had abandoned our son, or the fact that she run off with another man,” he says.
Those two blows nearly floored him. The helplessness and inadequacy he felt when his mother called him to deliver the news overshadowed what he went through when he lost his job.
“There’s no question that my ego was bruised. No man ever imagines his wife, let alone girlfriend, leaving him for another man,” he says.
But he also had to contend with the fact that he had married a woman who had no qualms about deserting her helpless child.
Instead of wallowing in self-pity and embarrassment, however, Chumbe decided to tackle the situation head-on, if only for his young son, who now had only one parent to look up to.
In July that year, Chumbe, who had applied for a job in various companies, got a job offer in Dubai with an international airline, although he left the airline and joined another company.
“Getting all the documentation and airfare within a short time wasn’t easy, but I managed with the help of a relative and in July 2008, I left the country to begin my new job, leaving my son in the custody of my mother.”
He has been working in Dubai for nine months now but travels back home to see his son when he is on leave.
“Even though I cater for all his needs, I still feel bad that I cannot live with him myself, but I know it is a sacrifice I have to make.”
Meanwhile, Julia, who still lives with her lover in Naivasha, has threatened several times to take their son away, but Moses intends to keep the boy. “She deserted him once, what will prevent her from doing it again?” he asks.
Interestingly, he claims that early this month, she sent him a message saying that she misses him and their son. But Chumbe says she hurt him so much that he does not think he can forgive her or forget what she put him through.
In spite of the betrayal, Chumbe has not given up on love. and is in a relationship with a woman who lives in Kenya. But this time round, he is taking it slow — just to be sure that he is with the right person.
“I think I was so eager to get married that I overlooked many aspects one should consider before taking an important step like marriage,” he says.
And this time round, he intends to involve his parents and his prospective wife’s parents before tying the knot.
“I wish women would stop applying double standards. Why do they have to be so materialistic and peg love to money? If it was Julia who had lost her job, I have no doubt that we would still be together because I would have continued loving her,” he says.
Source,nation.ke